@RobbyActually

The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”

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@werehedgehog

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.

@HALFniteStand

When a girl comes over for a date, I make sure I leave a hammer and measuring tape on the counter so she doesn’t suspect that I watch Glee

@dumbbeezie

Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest

@droidbears

flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand

me: how do i access the wifi

fa: im doing safety announcements

me: is that lowercase

@MattMcElaney

Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.

@pilau

Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Lil’ Jon: WHAT

Priest: you say “I do”

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I do

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I DO

Lil’ Jon: YEAH!

@Pork_Chop_Hair

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

@AbbyHasIssues

I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

@IntergalacticQ

Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat

@Zwolf666

My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.