The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
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I’m sorry…what?
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
you gotta be faster
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
My patience has stretch marks.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.