Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
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When a girl comes over for a date, I make sure I leave a hammer and measuring tape on the counter so she doesn’t suspect that I watch Glee
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.