i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
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*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter