The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
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a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.