@AmberTozer

The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute

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@iGreenGod

A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.

The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.

@AtCouchyB

*flipping through recipes*

I’m not going to twice bake anything my family won’t take twice as long to eat.

@KeetPotato

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”

@dumbbeezie

When someone says they have a surprise I quickly tell myself it’s probably not cake. I’m tired of the let down.

@KalvinMacleod

Dave is coming over.
Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?
Outside: THIS RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING.

@Sassafrantz

Why are guys so desperate for oral sex? We swallow over 57 spiders a yr while sleeping.The odds that 1 could come back up should terrify you

@squirrel74wkgn

Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.

@DontFollowDave

Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.

@_Water_Baby

Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.