@lwhit_the_boss

The government is so screwed up and dysfunctional, I’m amazed I haven’t tried to date it yet

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@Beerhaze

My oldest is 14 today. Daddy’s baby is growing up. Soon she’ll start looking for boyfriends and find them all dead under the floor boards.

@Parkerlawyer

My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.

If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.

@roxaroodw

He told me he was uncomfortable dating someone with so much inflatable furniture.

@AnkCoupleTO

[police lineup]

Cop: Do you see the guy who ate your plants?
Me: Nope
Cop: *waving leaf* Wildebeest step forward?
WB: *drooling* Goddamnit

@ScobeyWanKenobi

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

@malt_skull

[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*

@SteveSuckington

Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.

@SardonicTart

[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.

@BringDaNoyz

ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.

@Mr_Kapowski

HR said it’s not necessary but I like my sickness to be taken seriously by having my mom send in an email validating my degree of sickness