Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
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What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?