My oldest is 14 today. Daddy’s baby is growing up. Soon she’ll start looking for boyfriends and find them all dead under the floor boards.
The government is so screwed up and dysfunctional, I’m amazed I haven’t tried to date it yet
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My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
He told me he was uncomfortable dating someone with so much inflatable furniture.
Cop: Do you see the guy who ate your plants?
Cop: *waving leaf* Wildebeest step forward?
WB: *drooling* Goddamnit
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
HR said it’s not necessary but I like my sickness to be taken seriously by having my mom send in an email validating my degree of sickness