I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
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If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Oh hi lol
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.