The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
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Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Not today. 😅
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.