BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
the government should give us each $8,000 not because that’s how much a batman pinball machine costs it’s for a different reason
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When a guy texts “your beautiful,” reply with “my beautiful what?” then laugh and laugh and never talk to that nice idiot again.
I have never “cat called” a woman. I go home, paint her from memory & then yell at the painting. It’s called respect.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!