@imchriskelly

The government should pay for everyone to get massages on November 9th.

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@Carbosly

Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.

@GirlPetunia

Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..

@noog

Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG

@LaraDodds

I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”

@Mr_Kapowski

Note to self: If using the sheet from my bed to be a ghost next Halloween, avoid parties with blacklights at all costs

@KattsDogma

Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name

@dorsalstream

If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.

@InternetHippo

Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit

@daplusk

Whenever someone hugs me, I close my eyes and pretend they’re a donut