The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence

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[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello


I learned mathematical fractions from a drug dealer. He said if I don’t pay $4,000 in 7 days, I’ll lose 3 fingers.


Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage


Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf


Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body

My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream


“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”

– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate


Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.


*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:

Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.


Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing


[planning a family vacation]

Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.

Kids: Yayy, cool!

Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?

M: About 45 feet, I guess

W: I despise you