The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
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Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”