@Darlainky

The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

You Might Also Like

@kelly__le

Dinner time:

*opens fridge & stares

*moves to cabinet & stares

*moves back to fridge & lowers standards

@_troyjohnson

Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”

@fro_vo

calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves

@Marlebean

*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!

Ok now say “coffee”!

@einsteinsexual

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

@girlontapas

Establish dominance by licking the spoon and then putting it back in the mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner.

@markydoodoo

imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever

@squirrel74wkgn

[at the club]

*crawling around on the floor*

HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?

@SardonicTart

I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.

@3sunzzz

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor