The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

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Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.


I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do


My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans


You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.


(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!

*all the adults start screaming*


ECHO! ECHO! ECHO! Hahaha. Just kidding Tina! But in all seriousness that’s quite a serious infection you have here.

– Me as a Gynaecologist


Her: did you give the dog alcohol?

Me: no, why? Is he acting weird

Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/


STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Rachel is KIND



Phoebe is TALENTED


Chandler is FUNNY


You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.


Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.