The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
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Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
The prophecy is fulfilled
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Donkey Kong sommelier
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.