The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

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Dinner time:

*opens fridge & stares

*moves to cabinet & stares

*moves back to fridge & lowers standards


Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”


calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves


*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!

Ok now say “coffee”!


You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.


Establish dominance by licking the spoon and then putting it back in the mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner.


imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever


[at the club]

*crawling around on the floor*



I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.


[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.