@Darlainky

The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

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@WilliamAder

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.

@Kids_kubed

I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do

@mattZillaaaa

My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

@LlamaInaTux

You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.

@AimeeHelene1

(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!

*all the adults start screaming*

@Poutymcgee

ECHO! ECHO! ECHO! Hahaha. Just kidding Tina! But in all seriousness that’s quite a serious infection you have here.

– Me as a Gynaecologist

@KylePlantEmoji

Her: did you give the dog alcohol?

Me: no, why? Is he acting weird

Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/

@mrs_campfire

STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Rachel is KIND

Monica is NURTURING

Joey is CONSIDERATE

Phoebe is TALENTED

Ross

Chandler is FUNNY

@dulcetry

You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.

@PaigeKellerman

Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.