*Removes nail polish*
Ok, weigh me now
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
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[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
I was voted “most friendly” at my high school in 10th grade.
It was at this point in my life that I knew serious changes were in order.
American: I was just at a shotgun wedding
Me: How far pregnant was the bride?
American: You English are insane Shotguns can’t get pregnant
I’ve been contemplating legally changing my name to ‘An End’, so that all good things must come to me.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Lettuce is like that friend you only hang out with in a group with other friends.
“Hang out? Who else is coming?Ham? Great. I’ll be there.”