co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
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“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.