The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
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Bring back the McRib
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
i wish we could shoplift online
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place