The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.

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My girlfriend and I are having a disagreement. She wants a huge wedding with 500 guests and a piano player. I want us to see other people.


[inventing video games]

i wanna be lazy but with a purpose


All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.


I stopped using Hotmail, it’s not for me. I’d rather have an average mail with a pleasant sense of humor and a fulfilling career.


The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”


So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.


*goes to fabric store*
Do you guys have boyfriend material?


‘Benjamin Button.’




‘Knock knock!’