@It8ezbnme_

The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.

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@realHamOnWry

My girlfriend and I are having a disagreement. She wants a huge wedding with 500 guests and a piano player. I want us to see other people.

@ClichedOut

[inventing video games]

i wanna be lazy but with a purpose

@Dani_Feld

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.

@robfee

I stopped using Hotmail, it’s not for me. I’d rather have an average mail with a pleasant sense of humor and a fulfilling career.

@Brentweets

The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”

@MalcInYourWife

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

@Ndeshi_M

*goes to fabric store*
Do you guys have boyfriend material?

@sirchutney

‘Benjamin Button.’

‘BENJAMIN WHO?’

‘Benjamin’

‘WHO’S THERE?’

‘Knock knock!’