@jfrank50
@SveldtSmelt
Talking to women is a lot like origami. I don’t know where to start and I always end up screaming.
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@SveldtSmelt
@HousewifeOfHell
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
@Notawhiner
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
@HatfieldAnne
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
@jake_likes_naps
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
@FrazzleMyGimp
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
@ericsshadow
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
@KylePlantEmoji
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
@qwertying
I spent the entire day throwing darts at a picture of my wife.
*wife phones*
Wife: What you doing?
Husband: Missing you.
@barryjohnharper
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.