@jfrank50

The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.

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@SveldtSmelt

Talking to women is a lot like origami. I don’t know where to start and I always end up screaming.

@HousewifeOfHell

My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.

@Notawhiner

Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”

Yeah, don’t do that.

@HatfieldAnne

My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.

@jake_likes_naps

[at bar]

Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse

*nearby horse slams down his whisky*

COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY

*horse throws the 1st punch*

@FrazzleMyGimp

WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

ME: {drinking toast} Why?

@ericsshadow

Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?

Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES

@KylePlantEmoji

[introductions at a party]

Me: this is my first wife

Her: and current wife

Me: and these are her kids

Her: they’re also his

Me: we keep it friendly

Her: on account of we’re still married

Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own

Her: because they are

@qwertying

I spent the entire day throwing darts at a picture of my wife.

*wife phones*

Wife: What you doing?

Husband: Missing you.