@jfrank50
@neiltyson
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
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@neiltyson
@rivetingbonmots
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
@hunkybloodydory
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
@BatBatshitcrazy
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
@shkeeber
Nephew: Really?!
Me: Yup! Go for it!
N: *runs into wall*
Me: *takes pic*
N: *wakes up* Am I at Hogwarts?
Me: No, we’ll try again later.
@Cpin42
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
@Papa_Mex
I’ve learned a lot about women. Ex: if you’re going to the hospital for a gunshot wound & she asks for tampons, you’d better stop on the way
@seanyeatts
Kanye West at the Sistine Chapel, amazed that it was painted by a Ninja Turtle.
@TheHyyyype
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
@wolfmannjr
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding