#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
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Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Me: Yup! Go for it!
N: *runs into wall*
Me: *takes pic*
N: *wakes up* Am I at Hogwarts?
Me: No, we’ll try again later.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
I’ve learned a lot about women. Ex: if you’re going to the hospital for a gunshot wound & she asks for tampons, you’d better stop on the way
Kanye West at the Sistine Chapel, amazed that it was painted by a Ninja Turtle.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding