The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
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Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”