@jfrank50

The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.

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@neiltyson

#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.

@BatBatshitcrazy

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

@shkeeber

Nephew: Really?!

Me: Yup! Go for it!

N: *runs into wall*

Me: *takes pic*

N: *wakes up* Am I at Hogwarts?

Me: No, we’ll try again later.

@Cpin42

Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.

@Papa_Mex

I’ve learned a lot about women. Ex: if you’re going to the hospital for a gunshot wound & she asks for tampons, you’d better stop on the way

@seanyeatts

Kanye West at the Sistine Chapel, amazed that it was painted by a Ninja Turtle.

@TheHyyyype

dr frankenstein: it’s alive!

igor: great! what should we name him

dr frankenstein: uh we won’t

igor: idk might lead to some confusion

dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up

@wolfmannjr

I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding