The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.

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the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”


If it could be arranged, I would like to die by being waterboarded by a soft serve ice cream machine.


My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.

Adult. I was an adult.


Dear President of Mexico,

DO NOT fall for Trump’s old trick where he mumbles “guypayingtobuildthewallsayswhat?” and you say “What?”


My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.


I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.


If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet with intelligent life – lets just make patterns in their crop and leave.


“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”

*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge

“This is the wrong video”

“No this is right”


If I were in a musical, I’d get fired in a week. Keep a straight face while someone looks in my eyes & sings to me? Nope. Sorry. Impossible.