The grass was greener on the other side, so we smoked it.

You Might Also Like


Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today


Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!


Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.

Me: Seriously?

Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.


the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses


[god inventing animals]
okay here’s a new one. It’s an umbrella
made out of jello
and it electrocutes things
“you’re drunk”


Me: I really don’t have any bad habits to speak of.

Her: So you have no bad habits?

Me: No, I have plenty! Just none I’d want to speak of.


I like to eat spaghetti with my hands so people don’t even have to ask how I’m doing


Why didn’t we learn about essential oils in school? I mean, that shit is ESSENTIAL. Should’ve been the first lesson!


I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.


“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now