@tequilasaltlife

The grass was greener on the other side, so we smoked it.

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@jenniferfralic

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

@UncleDuke1969

Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!

@stephenjmolloy

Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.

Me: Seriously?

Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.

@notmythirdrodeo

the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses

@DillDoes

[god inventing animals]
okay here’s a new one. It’s an umbrella
“okay”
made out of jello
“alright”
and it electrocutes things
“you’re drunk”

@tsm560

Me: I really don’t have any bad habits to speak of.

Her: So you have no bad habits?

Me: No, I have plenty! Just none I’d want to speak of.

@megankcomedy

I like to eat spaghetti with my hands so people don’t even have to ask how I’m doing

@kumailn

Why didn’t we learn about essential oils in school? I mean, that shit is ESSENTIAL. Should’ve been the first lesson!

@FeverFlave

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

@donni

“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now