Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
The grass was greener on the other side, so we smoked it.
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Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
[god inventing animals]
okay here’s a new one. It’s an umbrella
made out of jello
and it electrocutes things
Me: I really don’t have any bad habits to speak of.
Her: So you have no bad habits?
Me: No, I have plenty! Just none I’d want to speak of.
I like to eat spaghetti with my hands so people don’t even have to ask how I’m doing
Why didn’t we learn about essential oils in school? I mean, that shit is ESSENTIAL. Should’ve been the first lesson!
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now