Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
The Great Gatsby was so unrealistic. So many people at those huge parties and not once did anyone ask for the wifi password.
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“You ask.” “No, you ask!” “Will you please ask?” “Why can’t you ask?” “Fine… Hey my FRIEND wants to ask you something!”
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Listening to my coworker cry about her gag reflex not being able to swallow her allergy pills..
All I keep thinking is: Her poor boyfriend..
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]