The Great Gatsby was so unrealistic. So many people at those huge parties and not once did anyone ask for the wifi password.

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[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings


My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.


[Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]


Boss: why do you deserve this promotion?

Me: goes into very in depth pointless rant

B: what drugs are you on?

Me: good ones



Fred: let’s settle this once and for all!
*fred rips my face away revealing bloody skull*
Velma: he wasn’t wearing a mask!
Fred: I know.


“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”


FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you

SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet


[God inventing iguanas]
Maybe humans are done dealing with dinosaurs, but ants aren’t


mom: ur not a vampire

[me hanging from my bunk bed]

mom: dear god ur 34 now come on I made pizza rolls

me: vhaaaaaaat?


When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”