@NickFlora

The Great Gatsby was so unrealistic. So many people at those huge parties and not once did anyone ask for the wifi password.

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@haleysfalling

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings

@BunAndLeggings

My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

@JB4Realz

[Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]

@TheSanch14

Boss: why do you deserve this promotion?

Me: goes into very in depth pointless rant

B: what drugs are you on?

Me: good ones

*leaves*

@BarndogKarck

Fred: let’s settle this once and for all!
*fred rips my face away revealing bloody skull*
Velma: he wasn’t wearing a mask!
Fred: I know.

@FeralCrone

“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”

@SortaBad

FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you

SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet

@Home_Halfway

[God inventing iguanas]
Maybe humans are done dealing with dinosaurs, but ants aren’t

@eyeswidebutt

mom: ur not a vampire

[me hanging from my bunk bed]
*hiisssssssssss*

mom: dear god ur 34 now come on I made pizza rolls

me: vhaaaaaaat?

@aimeevc1970

When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”