The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
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Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.