The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
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Does beer think about me too?
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Otters see a butterfly.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
It be like that sometimes 😆
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.