If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
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My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Waitress: what will it be?
Me: I’ll have the rum cake but with the rum on the side
W: so u want a glass of rum & a cupcake?
M: yes please
Clyde: I’m looking 4 a partner. What’s ur name?
C: That ur real name?
“Nope. Jekyll Elizabeth Parker”
C: …Bonnie it is
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
I told you these spanx were too tight.