The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
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Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship