The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.

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Roses are black
Violets are black
It’s late at night
I didn’t pay the electric bill.


A taser, but for people who say, “everything happens for a reason.”


Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Pineapple upside down cake


FRIEND: Where were you?

ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor


ME: Nah, just drove really fast


DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.


Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.


My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you


When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready


My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.


GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards