The greatest trick Facebook ever pulled was to convince the world we actually want to keep in touch with people we went to school with.

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If I had a dollar for every time I was wrong, I’d be incredibly broke.


What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed


The end of the month is like stubbing your little toe in the dark. You’re probably broke and there’s nothing you can do about it.


The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.


HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT


Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…


“I like cooking my family and my pets.” Use commas. Don’t be a psycho.


Dora could get to her destination in half the time if Swiper were in prison where he belongs.


Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking “Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?”


Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins