The greatest trick Facebook ever pulled was to convince the world we actually want to keep in touch with people we went to school with.

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My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.


Feet is the plural of Foot
Geese is the plural of Goose

So by extension, stop calling it Jeep, it is only one Joop


ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not


“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.


I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.


A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.


just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now


That awkward moment when you’re scuba diving and you see adele rolling in the deep.