@iamfase

The greatest trick Facebook ever pulled was to convince the world we actually want to keep in touch with people we went to school with.

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@LOsepyan

If I had a dollar for every time I was wrong, I’d be incredibly broke.

@plank_sinatra

What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed

@TheBoydP

The end of the month is like stubbing your little toe in the dark. You’re probably broke and there’s nothing you can do about it.

@AndrewChamings

The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.

@ArfMeasures

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

@TeeJayRush

Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…

@cuntrystronggal

“I like cooking my family and my pets.” Use commas. Don’t be a psycho.

@bobbiejo448

Dora could get to her destination in half the time if Swiper were in prison where he belongs.

@Sarcasticsapien

Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking “Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?”

@DirtMcTurd

Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins