“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
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That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
OKAY DAD
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.