@iamfase

The greatest trick Facebook ever pulled was to convince the world we actually want to keep in touch with people we went to school with.

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@ArfMeasures

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

@umer_0000

Feet is the plural of Foot
Geese is the plural of Goose

So by extension, stop calling it Jeep, it is only one Joop

@AndyAsAdjective

ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not

@BberrySurprise

“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.

@Try2StopME

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

@eddiesteadyno

A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.

@clichedout

just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now

@iQuoteComedy

That awkward moment when you’re scuba diving and you see adele rolling in the deep.