My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
The greatest trick Facebook ever pulled was to convince the world we actually want to keep in touch with people we went to school with.
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Feet is the plural of Foot
Geese is the plural of Goose
So by extension, stop calling it Jeep, it is only one Joop
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Finally achieved… world peas.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
That awkward moment when you’re scuba diving and you see adele rolling in the deep.