The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
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My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
“That’s what” – She
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
This can never not be funny 😭😭