The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
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You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?