@yonewt

The greeting cards that best express my sentiments for every occasion are the ones marked “Blank Inside.”

You Might Also Like

@TheZachCozad

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

@GorillaNipples1

Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.

Mortician: Please put that back.

@KylePlantEmoji

Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news

@mrtruthandsoul

Menage a trois?! I haven’t even successfully split a Kit-Kat three-ways

@lisaxy424

“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”

– me, walking my dog at night

@SkinnieTalls

My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.

@daemonic3

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively