Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
The greeting cards that best express my sentiments for every occasion are the ones marked “Blank Inside.”
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Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Menage a trois?! I haven’t even successfully split a Kit-Kat three-ways
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively