@TheZachCozad
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
@yonewt
The greeting cards that best express my sentiments for every occasion are the ones marked “Blank Inside.”
You Might Also Like
@TheZachCozad
@GorillaNipples1
Me: Iβve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
@KylePlantEmoji
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
@mrtruthandsoul
Menage a trois?! I haven’t even successfully split a Kit-Kat three-ways
@jordan_stratton
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
@lisaxy424
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
@AnOrangeSNES
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
@prufrockluvsong
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
@SkinnieTalls
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
@daemonic3
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively