A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
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The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Every. Damn. Time.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan