The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
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When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Don’t forget to tip your server
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]