The groundhog in our town died on Sunday. I can’t imagine how long our winter will be now.

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I forgot my phone so I asked this guy what time it was. He said “time to get a watch” & laughed. So I kicked him in the balls. It was 6:30.


If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?


First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*


Me: How are you?
Coworker: I can’t complain.
Me: *sticks finger in his coffee*
Coworker: I just paid for that!
Me: I knew you were lying.


Son: “Dad, why is my sister called Gareth Southgate?”

Me: “Well, when you & your sister were born, we decided your sister would be named for something your Mum loved & you’d be named for something I loved.”

Son: “Ah ok. Thanks Dad.”

Me: “You’re welcome, Also Gareth Southgate.”


Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!


I always keep an old key and a map with random X’s all over it in my pocket so that shortly after my death occurs a treasure hunt ensues.


“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event