The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
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Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Finally
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there