HER: I love sweater weather
ME: *holding up an umbrella to protect us from falling sweaters* It’s that time of year again already?!
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
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Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Her : I like kids
(To impress her)
Me: *Points at any kid in a restaurant* I’m his father
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
I accidentally ran one of my daughter’s glitter pens through the laundry and now most of my work shirts are fabulously ruined.
Netflix: we are the top online streaming service. Best in the world.
Me: can I rewind 10 seconds without ruining everything?
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.