the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
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I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
New mindset, who dis?
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
The pasta is now
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Ummm
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign