@TheDreamGhoul

the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here

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@RoosterMustache

HER: I love sweater weather

ME: *holding up an umbrella to protect us from falling sweaters* It’s that time of year again already?!

@daemonic3

WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?

ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ

@RealDMK

Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to

@Jerrypleasure

[RESTAURANT]

Her : I like kids

(To impress her)

Me: *Points at any kid in a restaurant* I’m his father

@Jenny4ashley

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂

@MrGirlDad

I accidentally ran one of my daughter’s glitter pens through the laundry and now most of my work shirts are fabulously ruined.

@thenatewolf

Netflix: we are the top online streaming service. Best in the world.

Me: can I rewind 10 seconds without ruining everything?

Netflix: no

@Darlainky

I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.