the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here

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HER: I love sweater weather

ME: *holding up an umbrella to protect us from falling sweaters* It’s that time of year again already?!


WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?

ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ


Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to



Her : I like kids

(To impress her)

Me: *Points at any kid in a restaurant* I’m his father


If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂


I accidentally ran one of my daughter’s glitter pens through the laundry and now most of my work shirts are fabulously ruined.


Netflix: we are the top online streaming service. Best in the world.

Me: can I rewind 10 seconds without ruining everything?

Netflix: no


I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.