[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
The guy at the urinal next to me doesn’t appreciate my theories on “Game of Thrones”.
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*opens up a 99 cent store right next to a dollar store*
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Mental note, its inappropriate, according to the HR department, to put your hand on the back of a female coworkers head as she eats a banana
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL