Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
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My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.