@delusions_of

The guy at the urinal next to me doesn’t appreciate my theories on “Game of Thrones”.

You Might Also Like

@AHundredElbows

[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”

@DaddyJew

*opens up a 99 cent store right next to a dollar store*

@hellohappy_time

My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.

@Angibangie

Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually

@Laser_Cat

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

@biggt1973

Mental note, its inappropriate, according to the HR department, to put your hand on the back of a female coworkers head as she eats a banana

@HenpeckedHal

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

@tastefactory

Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.

@JustUnstableMe

It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.

STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU

@squirrel74wkgn

[floor creaks inside mansion]

Robber 1: shhhhhh…

Robber 2: …

[Fitbit buzzes]

Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL