The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
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My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
What do you hear?