@Bizarro_Mark

The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”

You Might Also Like

@ericsshadow

[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

@JohnLyonTweets

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

@badbanana

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

@TheHyyyype

ME: how old is your son?

WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months

@Love_bug1016

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything

@Shock_Monster

If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I’d have to pick:

My girlfriend.

@MrJeremyHorn

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

@GrantTanaka

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.