The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
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So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
I want what they have
Mmmm. Shoeshi
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…