There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
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Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND