The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
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The dark side of Canada
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”