@suecorvette

The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.

I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.

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@OBiiieeee

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

@DaddyJew

Cop: are you currently under the influence of any mind altering substances?

Me: just that gorgeous smile of yours

Cop: get outta here

@seancehat

[first day as a waiter]

me: do you have any questions

customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared

me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices

@PretendMunchkin

Nothing like watching a 2 year old with her head stuck in her shirt collar.

I’m gonna let her fight it out for a bit.

Snacks anyone?

@julcasagrande

I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

@MomOnFire

Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?

Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.

@thestlouisan

All I’m saying is, would it have killed Star Wars to give the audience a peek at the Death Star cafeteria?

@mommajessiec

Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?

Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.

@LovingIust

I can’t be DMing you 6 memes and you only acknowledge the last one I sent. I want 6 separate replies.

@sixfootcandy

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.