Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
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Cop: are you currently under the influence of any mind altering substances?
Me: just that gorgeous smile of yours
Cop: get outta here
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Nothing like watching a 2 year old with her head stuck in her shirt collar.
I’m gonna let her fight it out for a bit.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
All I’m saying is, would it have killed Star Wars to give the audience a peek at the Death Star cafeteria?
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
I can’t be DMing you 6 memes and you only acknowledge the last one I sent. I want 6 separate replies.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.