The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
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At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Cannot stop laughing at this
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.