The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
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horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Monday
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist