@ManJuggs

The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.

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@ElliotHetherton

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

@ericsshadow

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

@tricycle_champ

BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist

@mela_shea

Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes

@highwayhooligan

I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.

@BlindChow

dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?

@KamaroPayne

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.

@MrC2daG

Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.