[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
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No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
dog: i saw u out there
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I got a puppy for my ex. Fair trade.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️