The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
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HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”