The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
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Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Who.
Did.
This?
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?