The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
You Might Also Like
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Me as a therapist: omg same
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?