I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
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My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.