@weinerdog4life

The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified

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@KendalPeifer

my dog hates his nails getting clipped so my dad literally bought a purse & cut holes in it

@Skoog

[fancy restaurant]

me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?

moth date: [shrugs]

@BigJDubz

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

@BoomBoomBetty

The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.

@iGreenMonk

Sometimes I try to eat healthy but my stomach’s like “what if you die tomorrow?” and I’m like “good point” and I have a whole pizza.

@WeissBrandon

Name the only building in the world with 80,000 stories

The library

(My 6yo told me to tweet this)

@RSF788

The best reply to “I love you” is “Well that’s a terrible idea.”

@RunOldMan

When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.