my dog hates his nails getting clipped so my dad literally bought a purse & cut holes in it
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
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thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Sometimes I try to eat healthy but my stomach’s like “what if you die tomorrow?” and I’m like “good point” and I have a whole pizza.
Name the only building in the world with 80,000 stories
(My 6yo told me to tweet this)
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
The best reply to “I love you” is “Well that’s a terrible idea.”
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.