The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
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“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED