@TheHyyyype

the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it

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@bobvulfov

[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles

@Dawn_M_

If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.

@bourgeoisalien

Some people are shocked when they find out I have a degree from Harvard. It’s not my degree, found it at a yard sale. But still, I have it.

@causticbob

“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”

@WilliamAder

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.

@MissyMooMorris

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

@sip_at_home_mom

I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.

@Lerky

“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”

@birbigs

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.