the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
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Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
early stone age tool
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself