[gf falls asleep during a movie]
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
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If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Some people are shocked when they find out I have a degree from Harvard. It’s not my degree, found it at a yard sale. But still, I have it.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.