the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
You Might Also Like
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Just this preview of the story is enough
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined