I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
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Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”