@carboncaitlin

the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

his funfair is next Friday

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?

Me: one’s for you

Him: and the other one?

Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.

@LizHackett

Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”

@huntigula

[Anteater eats some termites]

[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”

@JohnLyonTweets

Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!

*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*

*orders some*

@MizzTangles

I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: I guess it all started when I was younger-

Her: Sir, unless there’s a problem with the gas pump, don’t push the button to talk to me

@HomeWithPeanut

Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!

Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!

Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]

@TheNardvark

TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.

@Smooheed

Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*