Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
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<Tries to plow the road>
Road: I have a boyfriend.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..
*Flintstones theme song plays*
wonder why’s theres a pizza laying here in the middle of the woods *eats it* *dies 82 years later* dammit it was a trap
The best part about being over 40 is discovering all the new regions of your body that can support hair life.
In extremely rare cases women have been known to sleep with me.
You know how sometimes you destroy your house & instead of cleaning you’re like “Screw it let’s just move?” That’s why we’re exploring space