the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

his funfair is next Friday

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*Interrogation Room*

Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.


Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.

Tooth Fairy: So am I!


Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one


*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car


[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..

*Flintstones theme song plays*



wonder why’s theres a pizza laying here in the middle of the woods *eats it* *dies 82 years later* dammit it was a trap


The best part about being over 40 is discovering all the new regions of your body that can support hair life.


In extremely rare cases women have been known to sleep with me.


You know how sometimes you destroy your house & instead of cleaning you’re like “Screw it let’s just move?” That’s why we’re exploring space