Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
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Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Me: I guess it all started when I was younger-
Her: Sir, unless there’s a problem with the gas pump, don’t push the button to talk to me
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*