the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
You Might Also Like
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
this is literally a CIA plant
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.