Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
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People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history