the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
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Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.