*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
You Might Also Like
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
and this one
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…