The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
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Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater