The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
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“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.