The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles

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A woman sold her bathwater for $50 a bottle and I’m absolutely disgusted because mine are only selling for $30.


Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.


No mom I won’t go to “night school,” I already get what night is, it’s that bullshit thing where the sun turns into the moon for a few hours


(Breaks car window to save a dog)
Guy: I’m in the car!
Me: Yeah but it’s hot
Him: The AC is on!
Me: Can I get in? It’s really hot out here.


Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning


I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.


Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*

Boss: stop damaging the office walls!


HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.

ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.


While looking in my rear view mirror, it looked like something was in my hair. It was my bald spot. My bald spot was in my hair.