The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
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*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
guys i’ve cracked the code
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.